Who’s The Real Boss?

~a commentary on the confusing roles of heterosexual couples~

by: m.e. nesser

            I have been with my husband since 1984 and have noticed how our roles have changed personally and professionally over the years. I have also spent the past thirty years working predominantly with women in the salon industry.  I am very humbled by all of the women who have shared their confidences with me and talk to me intimately about their relationships. Unfortunately, many couples have blurred expectations about their roles and that is causing problems in their relationships.   

In the 1950’s, men and women had clearly defined roles.  For the most part, men worked outside the home and women concentrated their efforts on their homes and their children. Of course, not every woman stayed home catering to her man and not every man was the sole bread winner, but the general expectations were much more clear than they are today.

            Since then, a lot has changed. In today’s society, gender roles are much more complicated. In most cases, both the man and the woman in a relationship need to work outside the home. Very few women have the luxury of comfortably staying home with their children. In our economy, it can be difficult to live on one income. And now that more women work, the dynamics at home have had to change.  Going to work outside the home, making money, being productive, and experiencing success is empowering for women. And, in many cases, that feeling of empowerment has infiltrated other facets of their lives. Now that the “stay at home mom” has left the building, however, a more complicated woman is present. This woman requires a different level of understanding and acceptance from her man. There aren’t enough hours in a day for this woman to perform all of the domestic and professional duties that are required. She needs more help keeping the household running smoothly. On one hand, she expects her man to be a strong provider of the family unit. On the other hand, she is enjoying the financial independence working full time can provide. Although I am a woman, I sympathize with the frustration that many men must experience as they try to understand this new female who is complex and full of contradictions.

            Since the definition of a woman’s role has changed, the man is being forced to adapt. Unfortunately, most women that I talk to have confusing needs and expectations. On one hand, women like strong men. They like to feel protected and safe. And I think it is safe to say that strength can be measured in two ways: an inner strength that is indicative of a man’s character and outward strength that manifests itself in a strong physical presence. Both are important traits that women find exceedingly attractive. But that doesn’t seem to satisfy all of their needs.

Most women need to know their man can support them financially even if they make more money than their male counterparts. (I told you we were full of contradictions)  It is comforting to know if we ever quit our job, we wouldn’t be forced to make large sacrifices in our lifestyle. Since women are the ones who bear children, many want (or need) the option to stay home. Others feel the need to go to work. Whether a woman chooses to stay home or go back to work, many still believe that the man should bear the responsibility to provide for the family. While there is an element of caveman mentality in that belief, the scores of women that I talk to confess to liking many aspects of that caveman philosophy.  Most women I talk to like the feeling of being taking care of, even if they are capable of caring for themselves.

            Household chores seem to be an ongoing point of contention between couples. If a woman works full time and cannot afford a housekeeper, then the man needs to help with the housework.  A man can’t expect a woman to work all day and then do all of the housework when she gets home. And even though this sounds like a reasonable scenario, my research shows that women, for the most part, are still expected to take care of the household tasks even if she is working full time. There are some men who help out, but I find that their efforts are often criticized. Women like control of the household chores. Even if they want your help, you need to be discerning about the direction of your efforts. It is very common for you to help out in a way that is just going to piss her off, because she likes things to be executed a certain way. Remember the last time you vacuumed before you dusted? Everyone knows you dust first. Your help turned into a nightmare argument. Your assistance needs to be carefully thought out or your generosity could totally backfire on you. My argument may sound confusing, but I am here to help clarify things for you. Find the chores she doesn’t like to do and offer to do those.  If she likes to stack the dishwasher, you will never do it right and you’re going to annoy her off by trying to do it. If she hates mopping the kitchen floor, you will learn to love it. If she hates changing the sheets, it’ll become your favorite pastime.  Are you starting to understand what I’m getting at?  She may not tell you which chores she prefers, but it is usually pretty obvious if you pay attention and read the signals. You could also just ask her; I can’t promise she’ll give you a straight answer though.

            Most women are lousy at telling you exactly what they want. They talk in circles and don’t make themselves clear and then get totally exasperated when you don’t get it. When she is annoyed, don’t bug her with questions.  Wait until a good moment and then ask if you can fold the laundry or clean the bathroom.  Give her options, because she may hate how you clean the bathroom and she will choose the laundry and then everyone will be happier. 

            So, who’s the real boss? I hate to disappoint you but there is no clear answer to that question. We like our men to be strong but we also like to exert strength in the relationship as well. We want our man to take control, but we also want him to be sympathetic to our needs. No matter who takes control, we still want our man to act like a gentleman. We like it when you open the door for us, put gas in the car, and take out the garbage. We want to be spoiled and adored. It makes us feel cherished and loved.  Are we capable of taking the garbage out?  Of course we are.  Do we really want to? Not usually. Chivalry is absolutely not dead. We love to be treated with respect and admiration and we also love the power our independence has awarded us. So, if any of you have felt confused about your role in the past, rest assured you are not alone.